February 2010
105 posts
this is being honest: some dark, twisted, secret, suppressed part of me objects whenever anyone else uses the word ‘lesbian’ that part of me is still waiting for some prince on a white horse that part of me refuses to accept the feelings that aren’t there with boys that part of me that really, deep down wants to be normal can’t accept being different can’t be wrong....
what i'll remember
: sometimes i wish you had never done this to me
: done what?
: started this before you were ready.
: i'm sorry. i thought you were beautiful, and then after we had lunch i really, really liked you.
you just dug your own grave as a parent, mother
instead of trying to build a bridge with honesty and trust you basically gave me no choice but to lie.
sucks, probably.
January 2010
157 posts
also, i hate feeling inferior just because we didn’t make it.
me: you can't make fun of me for not being able to snap. it's something i can't help. it's like a disability.
her: do you park in the disabled parking spot?
a disability, a difference, an abnormality, a quirk we say we just want to be accepted we can claim all we want that we are just the same but when it’s to our advantage, we milk it.
the truth is though, you can’t have it both ways just like when she says she’s blind just like when i say i’m a lesbian
when you’re claiming you want to be accepted, you’re also...
happiness is relative
you could be happy
and i won’t know
but you weren’t happy the day i
watched you go
and all of things i wished i hadn’t said
are played in loops til it’s madness
in my head
is it too late to remind you how we were
not the last days of silent, screaming blur
most of what i remember
makes me sure
i shouldve stopped you from walking out the door
you could be...
i was scared to re-live this but i feel ok now
i think the best night of my life was still the night we had subway in the empty restaurant and neither of us were really hungry and it was freezing and i was wearing your pink sweater and then we walked down to the lake holding hands and we passed a bunch of people but it was too dark for them to even see
and then we sat and looked out over the water at the city and held each other and entangled...
ps. my mom hates you.
i am trying so hard to not care about you right now it takes a lot of concentration i hope you appreciate it.
“love only comes
once in a while
knocks on your door
and throws you a smile...”
the ying and yang of things
for every sad ending, there is a happy beginning.
(i was standing at the bus stop, watching the sun and the snow fall, and i almost ran to your door, and fell on my knees, and begged for you back, but instead i got on that bus again)
and i remembered when before, when i was crying about our ending
and right now, i am smiling about my beginning.
and that’s why we press on against the...
all good things
i can think of a million ways you proved you weren’t the one so live inside of your shades of grey and never mind the sunshine that i’ll find
i got so much space now, i got a whole house with the wind blowing through i don’t need somewhere to hide i got this whole world inside i was accustomed to showing you.
to see a burning candle in your dream, signifies that good luck and hope will be coming your way in small and steady amounts. lit candles are also symbolic of intellect, enlightenment, awareness or the search for truth.
to see a candle blow out in your dream, indicates that you are surrendering a significant aspect of yourself. you are letting go of something that used to be important to you.
to...
bite your knuckles, brace yourself
what if you were my miracle my one stroke of luck my fairytale and i let you fly away?
that is what keeps me up at night.
not sure why i keep writing all these posts to you when you clearly are not reading them
but then again, who else would i write about?
things i remember:
the way you played with the hair around my ears when we were still and entangled the way you covered your face when i tried to take your picture your weird (yet flattering) obsession with my boobs the curve of you pressed against the heel of my hand the smile that was just mine, one that said clearly “i don’t know where you came from, or why you’re mine, but you’re the most...
Strained
allthingsrestarted:
Hmm. I know you care about me. I feel the same. I know.
But, like, I don’t know.
Might be nice if I didn’t have to rely so fully on instinct about it, sometimes.
Maybe it’s just how things are.
I’ll just say I’m being stupid, as usual. You’ll say I’m stressed. I’ll say I miss you.
Then everything’s normal again.
It’s too quiet.
doubting yourself is so normal....
theatre geek.
think of me, think of me waking
silent and resigned
imagine me, trying too hard to put you from my mind
think of me, please say you’ll think of me whatever else you choose to do
there will never be a day when i won’t think of you.
get out of my parks
get off of my roads
get out of my house
get out of my room
get off of my couch
get out of my bed
get off of my screen
get out of my words
out of my music
out of my writing
out of my body
out of my mouth
out of my fingers
out of my mind
my thoughts
my guilty, lonely heart.
clearly you don’t want to be here.
so why can’t i get rid of you?
your ex-lover is basically dead.
there’s nothing but time and a face that you lose
i chose to feel it and you couldn’t choose
i’ll write you a postcard, i’ll send you the news
from the house down the road, from real love
live through this, and you won’t look back
there’s one thing i want to say, so i’ll be brave:
you know what i wanted, i gave what i gave
i’m not sorry i...
your favourite song just came on shuffle.
remember how i learned to play it for you?
i can still play it, you know.
moments of weakness
and now i’m coming to terms with the fact that everything i’m doing without you is pretending.
is a distraction.
a waste of time.
i check your blog obsessively, i find arbitrary reasons to text you. i keep searching for a way around this huge stone wall between us, even though i know i should just stay put.
i’m so good at pretending i’m over you that sometimes i...
and i was thinking about our first kiss
when you thought i kissed you
and i was pretty sure we kissed each other
and we were the only ones there
so i guess we’ll never know.
sometimes i get too caught up in pretending
it just occurred to me that it is still okay to cry over you.
him: how was the math exam?
me: long. but not hard.
these are song lyrics. that i didn't write.
picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor reachin’ for the phone cause i can’t fight it anymore and i wonder if i ever cross your mind for me it happens all the time it’s a quarter after one, i’m all alone and i need you now said i wouldn’t call but i lost all control and i need you now and i don’t know how i can do without i just need you now
...
this week
anniversaries, musicals, broken hearts, moving on, exams, homework, mild weather, RENT, friends, guitar, song-writing, anger, hurt, despair, hope, letting go, holding on, awkward eye contact, remembering, forgetting, destroying, creating, re-newing.
you are my drug and i have given you up
and for every tiny relapse there is a grain of hope
and a reminder that there will one day be someone else and that’s a good feeling.
“I hold you like I do, tightly because I know that one day, I’ll die.
And...”
– I Wrote This For You
and now you let go.
extra kisses
dear self,
there is no need to send anymore malicious texts than you already have. if she hasn’t already found out about that night, she will eventually and rubbing it in her face is rude and catty.
plus you will feel bad about it after.
and you are seriously a whore
love me.
getoutgetoutgetoutgetoutgoawayleavemealonefuckyou.
i don't need you.
i can’t get over this addiction to you. everything you do and say pisses me off lately. the way you still always apologize for everything and tell me you don’t know. the way you make everything ten times more complicated than it is. the way you somehow still manage to blame me for all of this and assume things that aren’t true. the way you’re still scared and can’t...
hahaha she hugged me in front of you. three times. hahaha
it pleases me that all you did in pushing me out of your life was lose one of the few people that cared about you.
it pleases me that i was right all along.
the monsters will still get out of the closet without me there to open the door.
so ha.
dyke.
today i saw you and your stupid backpack walking in front of me
and i was met with the overwhelming urge to run after you and gather you up and kiss your hair.
i hate you.
i don’t want to feel like this anymore.
i don’t want to think about you and your sad little life anymore.
i don’t want to want to fix you
i don’t have an overwhelming urge to yell at you for being...